Phukher Tarlson Interviews Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass, Race Traitor

How a black man turned white and collaborated with the enemy.

All persons fictitious disclaimer

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Any similarity between Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass and Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas is entirely coincidental.

Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass Background

A bright young black man coming of age in the 1960s faced the challenges of systemic racism.

He felt passionately about overcoming the problems of the racist American system. He embraced the politics of the militant Black Panthers.

He was pissed, and he found leadership in Malcom X.

He participated in a race riot at Harvard Square.

When he reflected on his own behavior, he decided to leave the race equality movement behind.

He ended up rejecting his black heritage and fully embracing the culture of racist white people who supported the system that held him back.

He even decided to make it his life’s work to destroy the programs put in place to counterbalance systemic racism in American Society.

He decided he was going to become white.

He realized that if he embraced his enemy, became a collaborator, and worked for the systemic racism that held him back, it would be a path forward to the success he so desperately longed for.

It worked.

When the first African American Supreme Court Justice retired due to ill health, he faced being replaced by a Republican President who did not support his ideology.

President George H. W. Bush (whom Marshall loathed) nominated Clarence Thomas.

Clarence Thomas was an ideal choice. He was African American on the outside, so George H. W. Bush could superficially claim he was replacing a black man with a black man.

In reality, he was replacing a solid civil rights advocate with a racist sellout whom the Political Right would rely on to preserve the racist system.

Trigger Warning

The following interview is raw and uncensored. Foul language abounds.

The Interview

[Phukher Tarlson] Clearly “Uncle” Tom-Ass, thank you for agreeing to this interview. Do you have any opening statements?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] Yes, I would like to address the derogatory connotation of my nickname, Uncle Tom.

I am not a subservient or passive sellout hiding my true feelings to cope with racist America.

I am white at heart.

I am no longer a black man, a victim of racism.

I am on the other side. I enjoy the freedom and the advantages of white America.

[Phukher Tarlson] Seig Heil! You are a true American Aristocrat.

You enjoy the trappings of white privilege, powerful white friends, a white wife, and a big home in a white neighborhood.

Do you worry that if you retire from the Supreme Court, you will no longer be useful to white racists, and you will lose it all?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] No. Not really. First, a Supreme Court appointment is for life, so I should never face the test of my illusory reality.

Second, I will never retire, no matter how badly my health might deteriorate.

Thurgood Marshall was a fool.

[Phukher Tarlson] I agree. It would be best if you never tested it.

I can attest to the fact that once you are no longer useful to the political Right, they will drop you like a bad habit.

And since you really are black and only pretend to be white, you would be disowned in a nanosecond.

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] And it’s not like Black culture ever did anything for me. Do you remember Anita Hill?

Intelligent black women are a problem. I never looked back.

[Phukher Tarlson] What drew you to Ginni Thomas?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] First and foremost, she is white. Marrying a white woman is the ultimate achievement of a black man. I knew I had become entirely white when a white woman was attracted to me.

[Phukher Tarlson] What about your friendships with Harlan Crow and other white Aristocrats?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] He’s a great man! He’s given numerous free gifts, free trips, overpaid me for real estate, invited me to his opulent personal retreats, and introduced me to other white Aristocrats.

I consistently delivered decisions at the Supreme Court that benefitted him and the other white Aristocrats, so he was grateful.

I don’t see any issue with accepting his gratitude and generosity.

[Phukher Tarlson] Aren’t you worried about the public perception of a payoff or quid-pro-quo?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] As a Supreme Court Justice, I don’t need to concern myself with these things.

The Supreme Court has no code of ethics.

We are above the law.

We are the law.

[Phukher Tarlson] How do you feel about Chief Justice John Roberts’s efforts to placate the public with a weak, completely voluntary code of ethics?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] Chief Justice Roberts knows the Supreme Court has a legitimacy problem.

It’s not my problem.

Unless the Democrats nominate someone with the courage to run against the illegitimacy of the court, no amount of political pressure will touch us.

That’s by design in the US Constitution.

I can do whatever I want, like the other Supreme Court Justices.

Samual Alito accepted gifts from Paul Singer, another billionaire who brought business before the court.

We are untouchable.

[Phukher Tarlson] How do you maintain the purity of your right-wing rulings even after all these years on the Supreme Court?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] I don’t like selecting clerks from the best legal minds available. I might get someone smarter than me who would challenge me to think.

If I never think about or question the desires of white Aristocrats, then I know my rulings will remain true to my white heart.

On those occasions where I have selected legal minds, I’ve occasionally picked complete losers who betrayed our country, like John Eastman.

Experiences like that one compel me to select hard-working clerks of limited intelligence.

I use the Adolf Eichmann model. I want someone who will do whatever I ask based purely on blind ambition and a desire to please me.

I want clerks to just follow orders.

[Phukher Tarlson] What do you see as the future of the Court?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] Since we have a 6-3 Conservative majority on the Supreme Court, we will push ahead aggressively with removing rights that the political Right disagrees with.

As long as we have due process, we can remove whatever right we see fit.

We see fit to remove many of them.

We already blasted the right to an abortion.

Gay marriage. We will ban that.

Contraception. We will ban that too.

Interracial marriage. I specifically didn’t go after that one because despite my being white at heart, I still have black skin. Skin color is a poor test.

[Phukher Tarlson] What do you see as the future of the Country?

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] I think we will see the final acceptance of a new American Aristocracy.

We will still maintain the illusion of elections. It’s necessary to allow the populace to feel like they have a voice even when they don’t.

Especially when they don’t.

It’s like the Conflict of the Orders, a political struggle between the plebeians (commoners) and patricians (aristocrats) of the ancient Roman Republic. That battle raged from 500 BC to 287 BC, during which the plebeians sought political equality with the patricians.

They didn’t get it.

They got bread and circuses instead.

With our modern entertainment, there is plenty of distraction, so the American Aristocrats should fend off challenges from commoners forever.

But just in case they don’t, we at the Supreme Court have their backs.

[Phukher Tarlson] I feel our budding Aristocracy is in good hands.

[Clearly "Uncle" Tom-Ass] Thank you, Phukher. I like to believe I’m doing my part.

Nonsense is the Privilege of the Aristocracy.

Sieg Heil,

Phukher Tarlson