Celebrating the American Aristocracy

The richest of the rich took over American politics. We should celebrate that victory.

With impunity, we no longer need to keep quiet. Not only can we say the quiet part our loud, we can scream it at the top of our lungs and celebrate the victory of the few over the many.

Democracy in the United States is dead. Long live the new Aristocracy.

And long live our glorious leader Diklis Chump!

Press Secretary, Phukher Tarlson

I am the newly anointed press secretary for our imperious leader, Diklis Chump!

I deliver insult-laden diatribes with the precision of a man who has spent years honing the art of verbal abuse, rising to the highest levels of Faux News. My rhetoric is both elitist and anti-elitist—because why not? I take great pleasure in attacking the opposition as both corrupt intellectuals and clueless buffoons, whichever suits the moment. Mockery, exaggeration, and outright contradiction are my bread and butter, and I’ve mastered the art of turning the regime’s so-called failures into brilliant victories while portraying the opposition’s misguided policies as existential threats to our great nation.

My press briefings? Oh, they’re a spectacle—a blend of grandiose self-congratulation and a carnival act of relentless bullying. Why? Because it works. I believe, with absolute certainty, that the wealthy are morally superior, that suffering builds character (for other people, of course), and that anyone questioning His Excellency is either a misguided fool, a traitor, or an unemployed radical living in their mother’s basement. My rhetorical style is a finely tuned mix of inflated patriotism, aggressive condescension, and the unwavering confidence of a man who has never been told ‘no.’

Before I took my rightful place here, I made a name for myself in the media, convincing the struggling masses that their suffering wasn’t just necessary—it was a privilege. A gift, really. Faux News has, of course, thoroughly assessed the so-called dissenters and found that they fall into three categories: (1) those too dim-witted to grasp His Excellency’s brilliance, (2) those actively engaged in treasonous negativity, and (3) citizens who have, tragically, failed to update their loyalty credentials. These are simple facts.

And let’s be honest—I find my own rhetoric highly amusing. My job isn’t just to defend Diklis Chump; it’s to ensure that history remembers him as the greatest leader to have ever graced this nation. The opposition may whine, but as long as I have a microphone, they’ll never have the last word.

Fake Facts, Total Truth

The interviews and opinions here are raw and uncensored. Due to my previous life as a Faux News anchor, I exist in a world where facts don’t matter. Everything you read here is fiction. Not one statement is factual.

However, one hundred percent of what’s stated here is Truth, with a Capital “T.” Big Truths are grand, subjective, unverifiable things. Yet, when you read Truth, you know it’s Right—even when the facts don’t support it.

Everything you read here is devoid of fact but filled with Truth.

Fiction?

Technically, the writing here is fiction. But we all know fiction is a necessary convention to keep the dogs of war against the truth at bay. SLAPP suits are the tools of losers and aristocrats who haven’t embraced the Truth of their actions. I have no patience for Aristocratic losers who still believe they need to polish their reputations.

Embrace the Truth, and it will set you free.

All persons fictitious disclaimer

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Trigger Warnings

I despise trigger warnings, but I provide them anyway for the weak and milquetoast losers who strongly react to words and feel they have the power to control the ideas and speech of others.

To those readers, I say

FUCK YOU!

Don’t read my work.

From where I sit, nothing is lost.

You wouldn’t have understood what I was saying anyway.

What’s my name?

Phukher Tarlson: /ˈfəkər/ Pronounced FUCK HER, in case there is any ambiguity.

If you have an issue with that, I suggest you watch how Muhammad Ali dealt with Ernie Terrell.

If you prefer Will Smith’s version, it’s great, too.

Perhaps you noticed the similarity between my name, Phukher Tarlson, and a former Fox News host, Tucker Carlson.

That’s a coincidence.

I am not Tucker Carlson. I couldn’t be. He is forbidden from making any public statements until 2025, under threat of lawsuit.

FUCK FOX NEWS!

In exile, I had time to think and mediate on my weaknesses. I discovered that I cared about what people in my cadre thought about me.

I wanted their approval.

I reveled in the hate heaped on my from the other side. It made me powerful.

The power in hate led to my epiphany: Fuck everyone! I no longer needed approval from anyone.

I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.

If you're not with me, then you're my enemy! All I am surrounded by is fear and dead men. You don’t know the power of the dark side.

Tucker Carlson was weak. I destroyed him. That name no longer has any meaning for me.

I am reincarnated, reborn, renewed—not the same man, but a new man with a new identity.

I am Phukher Tarlson, Dark Arts Master.

Master of the Dark Arts

As a master of the Dark Arts, I fully embrace what weak-minded fools wish to hide.

Anger, Resentment, Aggression, Spite, Pretension, Self-Satisfaction, Harmfulness, Shamelessness, Inconsideration, Pride, Arrogance.

Why the fuck not?

I find your lack of faith disturbing. I am a master. A Master of Evil.

I hope I see that old man Rupert Murdock again. When the apprentice becomes the Master, the old Master ends in defeat.

I am what he made me! When I left, I was but the learner. Now I am a master.

I will show you the true nature of the force. I am your master now.

This will be a day long remembered.

Salutations

Contact Me

Reach me at Mother@Phukher.com, or if you can’t get yourself to email an obnoxious motherfucker, then email me at PhukherTarlson@gmail.com. I will likely republish all hate mail, and I make no guarantee of a response. Realistically, I will probably not reply.