Phuker Interviews Milton Fried-man, Corporate Lucifer
The man responsible for releasing soulless corporations from moral responsibility enabling pure evil.
All persons fictitious disclaimer
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
Milton Fried-man Background
I admire evil. As a Dark Arts Master, I am impressed whenever I see pure evil, the pursuit of avarice untethered from moral restraint.
Milton Fried-man advocated for evil in the latter half of his professional career when he turned away from the dominant Keynesian economics of the era.
Eventually, he embraced the cult of evil, agreeing with Gordon Gekko, exclaiming, “Greed is Good.”
That is pure evil. Cloaked in bullshit and lofty rhetoric, but pure evil.
Plus, his policies helped further concentrate wealth among the richest of the rich and launched the American Aristocracy.
Listen to his own words. He’s a genius!
So much to admire!
Without him, the American Aristocrat might never have come to be, trapped by a system of socialist losers siphoning off the world’s producers.
Realistically, Milton Fried-man wouldn’t care if poor people died of starvation and exposure, homeless and destitute, uncared for by those who have an overabundance.
He cloaked stone-cold indifference with a homey demeanor, feigning genuine concern.
He’s the father of American Conservatism.
His most influential work was not his Nobel Prize. He published A Friedman doctrine‐- The Social Responsibility of Business Is to Increase Its Profits in the New York Times in 1970.
Trigger Warning
The following interview is raw and uncensored. Foul language abounds.
The Interview
[Phukher Tarlson] Thank you, Milton Fried-Man, for leaving Hell for this interview. You must be a really Fried Man after 18 years with Lucifer.
[Milton Fried-Man] Thanks for having me, Phukher. My reputation has taken a hit since the Aristocrats took over, and the plebs have become restless and uppity. I appreciate the opportunity to tell my story and set people straight.
[Phukher Tarlson] What aspect of your reputation would you like to turd-polish?
[Milton Fried-Man] The idea that the policy of pursuing profit without regard to social responsibility was bad. I think it worked out beautifully, particularly for the wealthiest and most able Americans.
Without the need to provide for workers, their health and safety, and their communities, American businesses were free to siphon money from all these dubious ends and put that money into the pockets of producers and other Aristocrats.
Wealth should be concentrated in the hands of the most deserving, not distributed to the populace losers.
Did you ever read Atlas Shrugged? Genius work.
[Phukher Tarlson] The American Aristocracy loves you. Your reputation is golden with them. Are you really concerned with what the unwashed masses think? They’re just a bunch of losers.
[Milton Fried-Man] It’s a weakness, I admit. I truly don’t give a fuck what happens to the plebs, but I still want them to believe my policies benefitted them.
If they genuinely realized how badly we fucked them over, they would rise up with pitchforks and torches and take back what the Aristocrats took from them.
I don’t want to see that.
[Phukher Tarlson] Do you feel no responsibility to the poor or the less fortunate?
[Milton Fried-Man] We don’t have any responsibility to the poor.
Poor people are poor because they are lazy and not industrious.
Wealth inequality is purely due to superior genetics, superior intellect, and superior performance.
Systemic advantages have nothing to do with their success.
Poor people have every opportunity, and they fail.
They are losers.
[Phukher Tarlson] Are the poor simply envious of the rich?
[Milton Fried-Man] Absolutely. The rich provide the means of production that benefits the poor.
If our system didn’t create rich people, everyone would be poor!
The poor owe everything to the rich, and they don’t realize it.
I hope to correct that misconception.
[Phukher Tarlson] I love your self-centered commentary on how people spend money.
When you said people are careful not to spend too much on others, were you speaking to your miserliness and lack of generosity, or do you genuinely believe all people are as tight-fisted as you are?
[Milton Fried-Man] Whenever I speak of other people’s greed, I’m projecting my greed onto them, and I do it in such a common-sense way that everyone agrees with me!
That way, I can be greedy and appeal to whataboutism while making myself look like a common man, someone they can empathize with.
Everyone can identify with greed, but they need someone to tell them these feelings are natural and completely acceptable.
It’s an excellent tool for getting people to agree with abhorrent ideas without much critical thought.
[Phukher Tarlson] What do you think about Noam Chomsky’s critique of your work?
[Milton Fried-Man] Complete fucking moron.
He’s a liberal loser who would take money from Aristocrats, the producers, and give it to philistines, the losers who lack the capacity to appreciate money.
What do the poor know of art, beauty, and refined pleasures of the upper classes?
Nothing.
[Phukher Tarlson] What do you think the proper role of government is?
[Milton Fried-Man] To enforce property rights law. Nothing more.
Keep taxes low. No stealing from the rich.
Keep inflation low. No undermining the value of wealth.
And above all, work toward the benefit of the richest Aristocrats.
We need to keep corrupt politicians in place to facilitate those ends.
[Phukher Tarlson] What part of your legacy are you the most proud of?
[Milton Fried-Man] The destruction of our Democracy and the installation of a corrupt system of Aristocratic control.
I also appreciate the part you played in your years on Faux News.
You even managed to sugarcoat our takeover. You made the common man feel good about it!
I have a deep respect for you.
It’s what prompted me to grant this interview.
[Phukher Tarlson] Thank you for the compliment. You were a secular Jew in life. Are there many Jews in Hell?
[Milton Fried-Man] For as long as Judaism has been around, you would think there would be more, but I’ve only encountered those who were rich capitalists, the Aristocrats.
It turns out that intentions matter more to God than actions.
Most people in Hell are there by choice. They think they will gain some advantage over others there.
Plus, as a secular Jew, I don’t really identify with common Jews.
My religion is Crony Capitalism.
My Gods are Aristocrats.
[Phukher Tarlson] Do you feel that your eternal damnation is unwarranted?
[Milton Fried-Man] Only the common man considers Hell damnation.
As John Milton pointed out, it’s better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven.
I like Hell.
It’s not a place of suffering for Aristocrats.
We’re all here, and just like on earth, everyone serves us—as it should be.
[Phukher Tarlson] You are an outstanding human being. I trust you will rule in Hell alongside Lucifer forever. BTW, is Adolf Hitler there with you?
[Milton Fried-Man] Oh yeah. Aristocrats make the rules, but Fascists administer Hell.
Hitler and his henchmen help keep order.
We have an entire generation of MAGA recruits on the way.
You know, the only thing that annoyed Hitler was that the millions of Jews he slaughtered weren’t here to serve him.
Sadly, they ended up in Heaven.
That’s why it’s so critical to keep up the spirits of our victims.
Victims of Aristocratic greed need to believe Aristocrats were working in their favor so that they will come to Hell willingly to serve us.
We in Hell learned that from the Lost Cause writers of the American Civil War.
It’s just like the fools who vote Republican, thanks to Faux News.
That’s why I granted this interview.
We need people to die believing in the merits of capitalism, the value of wealth concentration, and the utility of concentrating power in the hands of the few.
Without those useful idiots, we wouldn’t have anyone to serve us.
[Phukher Tarlson] Brilliant! Right to the very end, you’re true to yourself and your words. I admire you.
[Milton Fried-Man] Thank you. It was my pleasure, Phukher.
We have a place of honor in Hell prepared for you when you arrive.
[Phukher Tarlson] I’m honored. See you soon.